Hello all, as you all know I’ve had a very rough year so far, and well, blogging about jewelry has lost its appeal. If you follow me on Facebook or Instagram you may already know this, but don’t worry, I am here to talk about life in general, I feel the need to share and well having a blog I have a good outlet to do so.

In the past I have always tried to keep my private life completely separate from my social media life. I refused to show my face and strictly talked about jewelry in various capacities. Now that my priorities have changed, I feel the need to open up a little more and share some aspects of my life with you all. In the past I didn’t share too much because I never got that much engagement from those posts, but I am not here for that anymore. Besides, you my loyal readers have shown me that you are willing to stick by me even if I stopped talking about jewelry. I am not there yet, I might have a review or two up my sleeve, but that part of my life is now over I think. Like I mentioned in another post before, I am not sure what will happen to this blog, but for now, I am going to use it to share parts of my life.

Trigger warning: I will be discussing loss and grief, and miscarriage, if you are sensitive to these issues, please stop reading.

As you all know, I lost my little dog Ninja in October of last year, it was the hardest thing I had to go through, to put her to sleep. It was traumatic and the effects of putting her down are still repercussing in my life. Just when I thought I had made peace with it, something happens that puts me right back to square one (maybe not square one, but it sure feels like square one). I will not go into the details of that horrible night, but I will say it was so bad I dissociated from the logical part of my brain where only the emotional part of my brain remained, I’m pretty sure the entire vet facility heard me wailing, and if they hadn’t come to take her away I would have taken her little body back home with me. I bring this up because something happened last night that affected me today and today of all days, why did it have to be today?

Let me back up as I’m sure I have confused you. Back in July of 2013, I got pregnant, we were trying to get pregnant but had taken a little break from planning the days and mapping my cycle, and then boom, pregnant. Doesn’t it always happen like that? You try and try and nothing and the second you stop, all of a sudden it happens. We were very happy, but I was also very scared as I have an anxious nature and couldn’t stop worrying about so many things that could go wrong. During that time all of my friends were having babies so it was nice to be surrounded by supportive people. However, based on what I mentioned before, we made the cardinal mistake that a lot of new pregnant couples make, and that was that we told some friends and family too soon. I didn’t realize that to be on the safe side, couples usually reserve the good news until after the first trimester after the danger of a miscarriage has passed. I didn’t know that, this being my first pregnancy, and well we found out after my first ultrasound that there was no heartbeat, and that there was not going to be a baby coming after all. It broke our hearts, I still remember taking the phone call from the gynecologist and my hand shaking as she delivered the bad news.  My husband had to take the phone away from me because I had tuned her out after she said no heartbeat and I went numb. After that we kept trying but nothing came of it and we resigned ourselves to not having our own little family. It took me eight years to make peace with it. Every year on what would have been my due date I get depressed, thinking of what could have been. At that point we already had Ninja and she was a big comfort to me when I was home alone getting over the physical aspects of the miscarriage.  She also knew I was pregnant only days after I found out. She looked at me weird and very slowly climbed on top of me very carefully, avoiding my tummy area to lie on my chest as was her habit. Before that she had a horrible habit of climbing on top of me and not caring if she hurt me while she was on top of me, I mean she was only 8-9 pounds but still, when this crazy dog jumped on top of you, trust me you felt it.

I bring this up now because today of all days was my due date. Today would’ve been my child’s ninth birthday. It took me eight years to come to terms with it, to be able to think about this day without breaking down in tears or having a week long pity party leading up to my due date. I know that a due date can come and go and sometimes a baby can be up to several weeks late, but I fixated on this day because that’s what the pregnancy calculator said. Like I said, I finally made my peace with it and even though it still hurts and I think of what could’ve been, I am ok with it to a point. I don’t know what plans God had in store for us, but I accepted it.

Now the reason today was especially hard for me was, last night I had a dream where I was standing in a room, most likely my house although I don’t recall if it was my house, but I was standing there and I think my husband was next to me, and all of a sudden I saw a little black furry thing come to me, and I bent down to pick it up and it was Ninja. And I looked into her little face and I cradled her and held her like I used to where she would put her head on my shoulder, and I felt her little body in my arms. And I cried because I had her back…and then I woke up. And then I realized what today was, and I’m a mess because not only is today a special and sad day for me, but my dream about Ninja made it worse. I think it was meant to bring me comfort, but instead it made me so so sad because it just reminded me of her absence, the absence I feel every damn day. The fact that I knew I would never be able to hold her again and then I dream about holding her was just a slap in the face. So even though I was feeling better about the loss of my baby, losing my pet and my grandmother earlier this month has made my grief into turn into this weird onion with so many layers. I feel like my grief is starting to get mixed into one big ball of sadness.

So the month of March has a lot of meaning to me, both my husband and my mom have birthdays in March, but I also suffered great losses too. I know I lost Ninja in October, but with this dream it’s made that loss feel fresh again, so it feels like I lost my baby, my dog and my grandmother all in one month.

I am very sorry if I have brought you down, it was not my intention, I am just trying to make sense of all of the grief that I have been feeling lately. I don’t mean to expose or overshare, I just don’t seem to know how to handle what I’m going through right now. I have considered therapy, I just don’t know how it could help. I keep thinking I can do it on my own but maybe it’s time I find help. This is the first time I’ve had to experience this amount of grief all at one time where I haven’t finished grieving over one thing when I have something new to grieve about. Maybe that is why I am feeling strange about it.

To top if all off, I heard from a friend of mine that she is losing her job because the company she works for is a piece of trash company. Maybe one day I will tell you about what happened to her…I’ll let some time go by before I do in order to protect her, but suffice to say I have never felt so angry for someone else in my life. I felt so impotent to see someone treated to unfairly. Literally makes me want to go to their headquarters and torch the place down. And companies and businesses wonder why they can’t find good people. I’m sorry I took a sidebar there, like I said, it has not been a good day.

Thank you all for still being here if you made it this far. I just felt the need to share. Perhaps in the future I will share a little more about me. Happier things and not sad things.